Approaching Perfection #2: Chris Bell - "I Am The Cosmos"
This darker cousin of Big Star's "September Gurls" is arguably Bell's finest moment
We all have those undeniable songs, the ones that always hit the mark. In this new series, Approaching Perfection, I’m going to explore some of my all-time favourites and the stories behind my affection for them.
“I Am The Cosmos” begins with a bolt of raw honesty:
Every night I tell myself I am the cosmos
I am the wind
But that don’t get you back again
I love it when music amplifies a simple lyrical sentiment, transforming it into something profound. That’s exactly what Chris Bell’s magically forlorn opening series of chords achieves here. For a fleeting moment, “I Am The Cosmos” is heartbreak and no one in the history of humanity has ever experienced it quite as intensely as Bell.
My journey with “I Am The Cosmos” began with an unsolicited pitch, way back in 2003. A writer named Weston Cutter reached out to No Ripcord with an piece about Chris Bell, the magic of this track, and what it meant to him. It was a splendid article1 and exactly the sort of long-form writing I wanted to champion. As a Big Star fan, I was intrigued; I didn’t know anything about Chris’s solo career and saw myself as more of an Alex Chilton guy at the time. All that was about to change.
From the first chord — and I say this without an ounce of hyperbole — I was hooked.
Chris Bell is a fascinating character. A quiet introvert with a perfectionist streak, he was the glue that held Big Star together during the #1 Record sessions and the band member who contributed most to that magical album’s production. While he is best known for the up tempo rock tracks “Feel”, “In The Street”, and “Don’t Lie To Me”, he also penned the more subdued “My Life Is Right” and “Try Again”.
Disappointed with the resounding commercial failure of #1 Record, Bell left Big Star and set his sights on a solo career, which sadly never got going during his short life. “I Am The Cosmos” — backed by the tender acoustic number “You And Your Sister”, on which Alex Chilton contributes backing vocals — was the only solo release before his tragic death in 1978, at the age of 27.
A much-loved Rykodisc album, also titled I Am The Cosmos, surfaced posthumously and contains several more essential tracks that help contextualise Bell’s state of mind during his post-Big Star years. There are references to his mental health struggles, yes, but also his new-found Christian faith (“You should've given your love to Jesus, it couldn't do you no harm” from “Better Save Yourself”). Usually, I find these kinds of heavy-handed religious lines off-putting at best, but Bell sounds so thoroughly beaten up by the world that it’s hard to grumble too much.
No matter how worthy the rest of Bell’s solo material is, I find myself returning to “I Am The Cosmos” again and again. When I grow weary of new music, which certainly happens from time to time, it’s a comforting reminder of why I still write about this art form for pleasure and how the very best compositions can floor you repeatedly.
“I Am The Cosmos is sonically very dark. But at the same time, it’s empowering. It takes you and puts you in this place where you feel invincible or something. But yeah, there’s definitely an element of sadness there. Again, on one hand it’s a pretty melancholy sort of song, and on the other hand there’s a certain determination there that comes with listening.
Big Star drummer Jody Stephens, from a 2009 No Ripcord interview
I don’t think any pop song is necessarily perfect, but there are several moments in “I Am The Cosmos” that seem to be executed perfectly. The guitar solo, for example, boldly entering the fray after just 70 seconds, is an exercise in beautiful restraint, dripping with anguish in a delightfully unshowy fashion. In the background, Ken Woodley’s superb organ track creates a practically spiritual atmosphere, which Bell would surely have approved of.
And that final refrain! Bell’s repeated longing for his lost love (“I really want to see you again”) is temporarily interrupted by a darker emotion (“I never want to see you again”), perfectly encapsulating an internal conflict that many of us will have experienced at the end of a relationship.
It’s fascinating that the post-Bell version of Big Star struck gold creatively by exploring a similar theme on “September Gurls”. It’s another track that immediately reveals its greatness with an all-time great opening chord sequence, and as a resigned Alex Chilton sings “I loved you, well, never mind / I've been crying all the time” it’s hard not to consider the parallels with the slightly less anthemic yet equally potent “I Am The Cosmos”.
If Big Star’s #1 Record tapped into the nostalgia of adolescence (“Let me walk you home from school”), these two legendary singles hinted at the complexities and crushing disappointments of early adulthood. Chilton went a few steps further, venturing into the abyss on Big Star's bleak swan song Third, but Bell never had the chance to make his next move.
There is a tendency to over-inflate the importance of the tragic artist. Bell’s body of work is brief, and his limited success makes him a deeply sympathetic figure. I believe I Am The Cosmos the album is probably a tad overrated for this reason, but I maintain that “I Am The Cosmos” the song is still overlooked. It is so much more than just a critic’s secret favourite, a card played by snarky gatekeepers to emphasise how esoteric and interesting they are. It truly deserves a much wider audience. So, if you’re new to “I Am The Cosmos” and you enjoy it, I implore you to kindly pass it along. Great music should never be a secret.
“I Am The Cosmos” is undoubtedly one of Bell’s most relatable songs, which might explain why it’s so frequently covered by other artists.
I have compiled a playlist of every version I can find on Spotify, starting with the available mixes of Chris Bell’s original. Aside from Bell, who do you think did the best version?
Previously in the Approaching Perfection series:
The story of Weston’s article warrants a deeper discussion. I inexplicably failed to publish his article in 2003 and frequently felt guilty for dropping the ball over subsequent years. I managed to track him down 19 years later and he was incredibly forgiving and kind enough to submit a revised draft, which I eventually published in November 2022. Weston is a phenomenal writer and this is one of the finest pieces of music criticism I have ever had the pleasure of publishing at No Ripcord. Please check it out here.